She told me
by StarcrossedJedis
Summary: My shot at the confrontation between Sarah and John from the episode "Today is the Day Part I"  Written before the episode actually aired after seeing a preview clip - John's POV, mentions of Cameron


**Disclaimer:** Not mine unfortunately. If it was… well there would have been a lot more fluff on that show ;-) "Terminator TSCC" is belongs to FOX – again, unfortunately so...

Comments are love =)

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><p>"<em>Riley's dead."<em>

I'm calm- surprisingly so.

I was there, I saw the cold body of the only person that ever brought a taste of normality to my life.

And yet here I am now, ready to meet the unavoidable.

My mother watches me, carefully trying to read my face.

I can see in her eyes that it's not as easy as it used to be.

"_How do you think that happened?"_

A shot to the chest.

Ripped a hole through her lungs.

She must have been dead within moments; at least that's what the autopsy report said. I hope it's right.

I hope she didn't have to suffer just because of the simple fact that she refused to stay away from me.

She was so pale…

I take a deep breath as I feel the guilt rise within me.

There was nothing I could have done to save her, but still I feel like it's my fault- like my hands are now stained with her blood.

I have been the one being selfish, but in the end _she _had been the one to pay.

I look at my mother and I know that the request isn't about the _how_- she's asking me _who _did it.

And the answer she has already given herself is written on her face.

"_I don't know…"_

She doesn't believe me, that much is clear.

I can't blame her.

I sound false, even to my own ears, even though I really don't know.

I don't, or maybe I just don't want to.

Is there really a difference?

At least to my mother there is.

"_You know, John. We both know…"_

Do we really?

Does she know the truth or did she just jump for the first logical conclusion?

I feel pathetic the moment that thought crosses my mind.

During everything we've been through one thing has always been clear- the rules _always _apply and they are very clear about one thing.

In my world every logical conclusion leads to metal- because that's all my life will ever be about.

The rules apply.

If you're living with a cybernetic assassin that is programmed to kill everyone and everything that's considered a threat to John Connor, then it will.

She (_the cybernetic assassin_) said so herself.

It's not a decision.

It's the mission.

And still…

"_Cameron didn't do it."_

That doesn't even convince myself.

I blink hard as I say it- I tend to do that when I'm nervous or stressed.

Or lying.

"_How can you be so sure?"_

I'm not.

Not at all.

But I can never let her know.

If she thinks that I doubt Cameron just as much as she does, even for a second, she will do whatever it takes to keep her away from me.

When it comes to _John Connor_, my mother is just like every machine we ever met- to the bitter end committed to what she made her mission.

Her mission is to keep me alive at any cost.

Suddenly the _gift _Cameron gave me just yesterday feels like searing itself into my skin right where I hide it under my shirt.

I can't let the cost be her.

"_She told me."_

My voice is too hoarse and it's trembling too hard.

I sound like I'm on the verge of crying- and, at least being honest with myself, I am. I blink harshly, fighting to keep the tears to myself.

I'm far too proud to cry in front of my mother like a child.

But the truth is that I'm only sixteen and my life is a mess.

I just lost someone I tried so very hard to love (and I feel guilty, because _trying _is not _loving_) and I'm still falling hard for someone (some_thing_) I'm supposed to hate.

Someone (some_thing_) I'm supposed to fight and destroy twenty years from now.

The future of mankind is on my shoulders, but I'm not even able to deal with my own demons.

I have every right to feel like crying.

But you can always count on my mother to make things even worse.

"_Just like she told you she destroyed every part we ever captured?"_

I told her not to.

Future Me did- if she told me the truth.

_If_ is good enough for me.

Maybe she's collecting pieces to built her personal army of T-888's - I'm sure that's what my mother thinks she's doing- but I believe her.

She needs them to repair herself.

It does make sense.

I saw her hand malfunctioning.

I saw the dead bird.

I tried to repair her, but she told me it didn't work.

I don't care what terror Skynet may create of those pieces if we fail to stop it, as long as they might help me to keep her around…

"_Just like she tells us what she does every night when we go to sleep?"_

She cleans the house.

She does the laundry.

And she checks on me once every night before sneaking out of the house.

She never returns before dawn.

And I never fall asleep before I hear her silently leave my room.

I know it's ridiculous.

She's probably only checking on my vitals to make sure the great leader of mankind doesn't die in his sleep, while she's taking care of our dirty clothes and the leftovers of my mother's pitiable attempts at cooking.

She most likely knows that I'm not sleeping, but she never says a word and I'm too selfish to care.

She checks on me every night.

She gave me the key to her destruction, dangling from a chain around my neck now.

Despite all the suspicion she faces here my well-being still matters to her.

In her own way she cares about me.

And that has to be enough…

My mother's staring at me, but I avert her gaze and glare at the table before me like a stubborn child that's being scolded.

She wouldn't understand me anyway, so why even bother explaining?

"_Hey!"_

She grips my chin with her hand; gently, but with enough force to make me look her in the eyes.

And in them I see an understanding that makes my insides turn to ice in shame.

"_Just like she told you she loved you…"_

It's a low blow and it hurts.

I can feel it almost physically, like a strike to my guts.

Because it's true.

She told me that she loved me.

Once.

Twice.

Three times to make sure I wouldn't deactivate her.

So that she could kill me.

"_I love you, John, and you love me!"_

It's not the lie that still hurts so much after all this time.

That's the way she's programmed; how they are all programmed.

They all do whatever it takes to finish their mission.

I'm used to that.

I can live with that (what other choice do I have, really?).

That's why I refused to burn her.

I can live with her lying to me.

It's the _truth _in her words that hurts.

I love her.

And she _knows_.

She knows and she's willing to use it against me if necessary.

She did it back then and though I knew better I hesitated.

I would always hesitate again…

"_You don't know anything!"_

I beat the table with so much force that I can feel the pain rise all the way up to my shoulder.

I'm too furious to care.

My mother looks at me with wide eyes, taken aback by my sudden hostility.

I didn't mean to scare her, but right now I hate her too much to apologize.

I truly, deeply _hate _her at this moment.

She raised me with the knowledge that one day I'll be a leader, but she treats me like a child.

She doesn't trust me with anything.

For all my life she's been pushing me and pulling me until I didn't know up from down anymore.

I lived my whole life in fear because of her.

Always on the run.

Never stopping, never slowing down.

And now she's taking the little warmth that I kept hiding in a far corner of my heart and tears it into the light, staining it with her mistrust.

I hate her, because right now, looking at me the way she does, she makes me feel like a complete disappointment.

Like I let her down.

The worst thing is that she's right.

I am a disappointment.

I'm supposed to be a leader- a saviour.

I'm supposed to lead mankind into battle against Skynet.

I'm supposed to _hate _them.

I'm supposed to _destroy _them.

But _how_…?

How can I wish for them to be wiped from the face of the earth, when I can't seem to find a way to keep my distance from her?

How can I despise them, when all I _desire _is that fake smile of hers?

How can I hate them, while I _love _her?

How can I ever try and stop Skynet from being created, when I know that _she _will never exist if I succeed?

The truth is… I can't.


End file.
